I am under the firm belief that DARPA or Al Gore, whichever
one it was, created the internet for the sole purpose of preventing aspiring
writers from finishing their first book. Hold on a minute – just got another
email I NEED to check RIGHT NOW….
I have read a lot about writing. One of the most common reasons
of why someone cannot write is that they cannot find the time to write. The most
common response to this is to “make time to write”, but I think that response
misses the issue entirely.
If someone is posting in a writer’s forum that they do not
have time to write, then the issue isn’t having the time to write. The issue is
that there are too many distractions. Obviously the writer has time to write –
he is writing in a forum!
And there is the complete dichotomy of the writer versus the
market for writers. If you spend all of your time reading about writing and how
to write, then you are not spending the time actually writing. Yes, I realize that statement will not have Writer’s Digest pounding on the door
begging for my insights on writing, but there it is.
At some point you need to stop learning and start doing,
because doing also helps you learn.
Then there is the issue of the interwebz. The Great
Distractor. You can’t just turn it off. I need the internet while writing, as I
am sure most writers also need it. I need Webster.com, I need my name generators
for inconsequential character names, sometimes I just need to look up the speed
of light, how long it takes for a dog to digest a human bone, or how long would
it take for a body to completely decompose in a tropical climate (no, you
shouldn’t ask).
So, in the spirit of all drinking games, I’ve made up the
following game that should help any writer from straying down the dark path of
internet distractions. However, we’re not going to be drinking. Slight rule
change in order to promote what psychologists call “negative reinforcement”.
The first thing you need to do is take off any footwear.
Shoes, socks, slippers or whatever else you have on your foot. If you’ve played
this game before you can keep your cast on (you will just need to play harder).
You need to follow the scoring of this game exactly as is.
Trust me, the only parts of your body you need are your hands, your brain, and
some gushy stuff in your chest that will keep the other stuff working.
Here are the rules:
1 – Every time you check your email you need to kick the leg
of the desk or table you are sitting at as hard as you can one time. Don’t wimp
out. Kick the snot out of it. Go ahead, rediscover Newton’s Third Law of
Physics and verify it still applies.
2 – Every time you check a social media site you need to
kick the leg of the desk or table you are sitting at as hard as you can twice.
Yes, you can use both feet if you want. This includes Facebook, Twitter,
Pinterest, etc. Again, don’t hold back. Make sure what you are kicking is still
there and didn’t disappear. If your eyes ain’t sweating, you didn’t kick hard
enough.
3 – Every time you look at any website that does not pertain
to what you are writing you need to kick the leg of the desk or table you are
sitting at as hard has you can three times. At this point, you are encouraged
to use both feet. It’s up to you which foot gets to kick twice. This is the
interesting rule because if you find yourself looking at something that doesn’t
pertain to your writing you can still save yourself by incorporating it into
your writing. I am sure that is what other authors do, which is why you will
read a great science fiction novel and wonder why a cat was every brought into
space. I am sure this is what E. L. James did when writing the book 50 Shades of Grey, which was actually
supposed to be a rip-off of Interview
With a Vampire, but she got distracted and looked at some nasty websites
while writing.
4 – If you ever decide to read a web-fiction serial instead
of writing during your writing time you need to kick the leg of the desk or
table you are sitting at as hard as you can four times. With the same foot. This
is the ultimate sin because you will never return to your writing. Even if you
do you will start writing like the author you were reading. Damn you,
web-fiction writers! They are the worst! They are the ultimate drug dealers in
this digital age. They suck you in with their free stories that go on and on
and on. Next thing you know its 3:00AM, your eyes hurt from being opened so
long, and you’ve completely forgotten what you were supposed to be writing
about.
So there are the rules to the Writer’s Game.
If you can make time for writing, then you can also make
time for reading and surfing the internet. Just keep those times separated. Surf
the internet while you are in the emergency room waiting to get your foot
X-rayed. Write when you get home and the pain medication takes you to that “special
place”.
